Sam has started throwing tantrums. Not only are they embarrassing, they are violent.
Those are bite marks on my arms. The very top one was through my shirt. That boy latched on and dug in with all his might.
This episode happened outside of the mall on Monday. Sam loves to go to the mall. We go to the DIsney store and look at all the Cars toys, we go to the pet store to see all the puppies, and we play with all the kids in the play area. Usually Sam is worn out by the end of our mall excursions and is ready to go home. Not on Monday, though. He started kicking and screaming when I told him it was time to start heading to the car. I had Mollie in the stroller, so I was trying to carry him while pushing her at the same time. It was not easy. Since I was pushing Mollie, Sam had full access to my arms to bite me (Devin keeps asking me why I didn't just stop him when he was biting. That's why. Obviously I let go of the stroller when he started to bite, but by then he had already latched on). I tried all the methods I've ever heard of to get him to calm down. I explained to him plainly and calmly why it was time to go, etc. I gave him some space and let him freak out while me and Mollie were a few feet away. Nothing worked.
Finally I said the last of about 10 prayers, picked him up and somehow made it to the car, suffering a few more injuries along the way.
I don't ever plan on spanking Sam or Mollie. That's just not the way I feel I'm supposed to handle things. I've prayed about it. When I tell that to my friends and family, I often get the response, "Yeah, but sometimes you have to..."
I was starting to agree with them when I found this talk by President Gordon B. Hinckley that reiterated my belief that you do not have to spank to be effective. I am not saying that spanking is wrong, but I am saying that it is wrong for me.
I know how I don't want to handle things, but I have no idea how I should handle things. How do you deal with tantrums, especially public ones? How do you punish your children when they are violent?
I know all the things like, focus on the good behavior, praise him for the good things he does, tell him the consequences before a tantrum occurs, etc. But what I am wondering is what in the heck you do IN THE MOMENT. Because that moment was awful.
8 comments:
man i feel bad now. I hope you weren't offended by how i responded during walking group. honestly, I have no idea what I will do with gretta when she disobeys me. I really believe in the concept of consequences and I do think that sometimes those consequences need to be immediate or else the lesson won't be taught (for such young ones). it doesn't have to be done in viscous anger, more like "reproving betimes with sharpness when moved upon by the holy ghost."
I loved that talk and I am starting to think seriously about the type of discipline I want to use.
I think there should be a balance. The only thing I worry about is that when no discipline is given, the kids are given too much control. I completely disagree with that. Kids are not ready for that much control. They should be given guidance.
You are a great mom by the looks of it and you will do what you feel is right. Sam will probably grow up to be an amazing man.
Have you ever read the Happiest Toddler on the block? By Harvey Karp, M.D. There are some good "in the moment" techniques in there. Dont worry if something doesnt work for you that might work for someone else, every cild has their own temperament! I love looking at your blog every now and then because you are so open and honest about these things. i think every parent goes through these learning curves to some degree, hang in there!
ugh, i remember the biting phase! tucker went through that too. i wish i had better answers for you. when we're at home and my kids would bite or (now) say mean or rude things, i'll make them put soap in their mouth. they have to do it on their own too. they generally hate that, so that helps. i didn't think of it when tucker was sam's age though so not sure how it would work with him. i would take lisa's suggestion. find some books people recommend. i heard great things about the "love and logic" method (although i haven't used it) i wish i had better advice for you! its a tough age, but it won't last forever :) i would love to watch your kids for you sometime btw!
Actually I've heard really good things about love and logic also. Thanks for reminding me Bonnie, I still want to read that too!!
Do you still have the book "Positive Discipline"? I love that one because you can just look up the behavior in the index and find out what they suggest. You showed him your tears and had him say he was sorry...though he may not have meant it, which is what that book says to do. Maybe he could have a special something to bite on when he starts to act like a melt-down is coming on! I am reading a book that has nothing to do with discipline but has it in there. The dad explains to his son why he is having to give his a whipping and then does with tears running down his face too. This man telling about it was the son getting the beating years ago and now administers the same to his son... very rarely, but still. Anything done with love when called upon by the Holy Ghost is the right and the best thing.
I am so sorry! That must have been awful. I can feel your embarrassment as you were outside of the mall with a screaming child, because I've been there/done that (although MJ has never bitten me, he has hit me). I do NOT like to spank, as you know, but I do feel it is necessary with MJ on occasion. Although, every time I do it, I feel terrible. It is SUCH a personal choice, because with some people- they may start spanking and it may turn into their "go-to" discipline, and of course, that's not effective. Today MJ was mad because he was having to clean up a large mess that he made. Josie was playing with a toy that he wanted to play with, but he wasn't allowed to play with it until his mess was cleaned up. He was upset, and he threw a large toy at her. I spanked him for that. For him, it registered. I hate that i have to be physical to get him to learn sometimes- hate it! So if you ever figure out a better way, let me know!! Good luck girl. I think you're amazing!
Literally this same exact thing happened to me a few weeks ago at the mall. We were playing at the play area and it was time to go. Ashlynn had other plans. She threw a screaming fit and hit me the whole way through the mall. Ugh, so embarrassing and frustrating at the same time. By the time I got to the car I was ready both cry and spank my child as well. Of course I didn't, I have very similar beliefs as you do. I am interested in seeing what others have to say about this topic. You're an amazing mother Allison! The fact that you rely on prayer so much reminds me that I too can turn to that when it comes to throw down tantrums in the mall! If you find the secret to calming an enraged toddler please kindly call me ;o)
My dad's method was to have one of my brothers deal with me. It's amazing how much my demeanor changed when getting punched in the face by a sibling was a high posibility.
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