Clear Thoughts on a Foggy Situation

I thought of that title all by myself.

On June 1 I got LASIK eye surgery to correct my vision. I was so excited to start a life free of contacts and glasses after having worn them for 20 years.

After the surgery, I was uncomfortable as expected. My eyes were bright red and bruised, and it felt like I had staples in them (I wasn't expecting it to be pleasant). During the surgery, the doctor and nurses at the LASIK place kept telling me, "Now, it's going to feel like you're underwater after you open your eyes."

Ok, underwater. Got it.

Well, a week later, I was still seeing as if I was underwater. Then a week after that. Was this normal? I kept asking my friends who had gone through LASIK before, and all everyone kept repeating was, "just keep using those eye drops!"

Using eye drops religiously, wearing protective eye pads while sleeping as directed, my eyes were still foggy and cloudy. This is the part that's tricky to explain. My actual vision turned out fantastic! 20/10 in one eye, 20/15 in the other. The problem is, it's like I'm living in a cloud world. It's like someone left a hot, steamy shower running and I can't wipe the fog away. Every person, picture I look at on the wall, car on the road, is visible in my eyes, but it has a foggy haze around it. I don't like it.

I went for a checkup. I knew things weren't healing perfectly when one doctor paused after looking in my eyes and said, "I'm going to go grab my colleague to come and take a look." With both doctors in the room, they were smiling at me but muttering to one another about what they didn't think was going on with my eyes. All I kept thinking while they were talking was, "dangit."

They decided I needed to go back to the original surgeon (at a different, more fancy office) and have him take a look. A few days later I saw the surgeon. He told me that my eyes didn't heal correctly. During LASIK, they cut a flap (WORST WORD EVER) in your eye to access the cornea with the laser. After the fix your eyesight, they lay the flap back down. Well, my flaps had wrinkles in them, which was causing the fogginess. He wanted to do a second surgery to smooth them out.

Friday I had the second surgery to correct my flap issue (hate the word hate the word). They told me to expect things to get worse before they improved.

I went for a checkup yesterday (Tuesday), and the doctor said my left eye is looking pretty great but the right is questionable. He said the wrinkles appear to be gone, but that the right eye is very irritated and swollen so it's hard to tell. After he took off clear contact-like bandages, my left eye felt a lot better and even more clear! The right was worse than before.

Last night I played with the kids on the trampoline and Taylor's arm grazed my left eye. Now it is just as foggy as the right. Did I just re-wrinkle my dang eye flap?!!? I don't know.

Here are my thoughts on the whole situation.

It's hard to complain about a situation when it wasn't a dire need in the first place. I didn't have to get LASIK. I wanted it. With that being said, I felt peace about going forward with the surgery. The surgeon came highly recommended from a friend who had had LASIK herself. I went to a higher-end office that cost a little more to avoid any mishaps. Go figure :)

It will really be the worst if I spend the rest of my life in a fog. I am so irritable and frustrated by the whole thing. With that being said, I keep being overwhelmed by the feeling that if this is the biggest problem I have in my life right now, I'm doing alright. I have had 5 successful c-sections with zero problems, and have had 5 perfect, darling children. My body is a good one. It's not perfect, but I'm grateful for it.

Heavenly Father answers every prayer of mine. He always has and He always will. I don't say this to brag or to try and paint myself as righteous or anything, it's just the relationship we've always had. Pre-Mormon days and now that I'm a Mormon veteran. It's how it's always been.

I'm trying to learn what I can about the Savior's healing power. I do know that God can fix this foggy situation at any moment. What am I supposed to be learning from this?

I was reading in Isaiah yesterday about fasting, and that if your heart is spiritually minded and your motives are pure, your desires will be answered. I was also reading in the Book of Mormon (this echos the beatitudes in the New Testament) about those who knock will be answered and given all that they desire.

Knock knock. Fix my eyes please?

I know that I am loved and always watched over. I know that everything works out for my good as long as I'm trying to put the Savior first (Romans 8:28). I'll wait for the day when things clear up. Until then, I'll keep enjoying how beautiful my skin looks in the mirror because it's like I'm seeing myself through a constant filter.

The Near-Death of Sam

Last month we took the kids up to Flagstaff for a snow day. We checked Sam out of school early, loaded up on snacks from the gas station, and headed up the I-17. When we arrived about 2 hours later, we got the kids in their makeshift snow clothes (we live in Phoenix dangit) and were ready to play.
We found an area off the side of the road near my old college apartments. It was pretty steep, so I let Devin be in charge of Sam and Mollie while pregnant me stayed with Taylor. It never ceases to amaze me just how brave my kids are. They were going down the big hills with no hesitation and loving every second of it. They did not get their sense of adventure from me. I was more of a play-nintendo-while-drinking-Coke kind of girl.
Taylor and I found an accessible pathway down to the bottom of the sledding hill so I could take pictures of the action. Mollie had lost interest by this point, so she and Taylor and I were hanging out and eating snow at the bottom while Sam and Devin were repeatedly sliding down and then climbing up the hill. I heard Sam tell the dad of another family how he had been checked out of school early to come play in the snow. I felt like a cool mom (even though it was Devin's idea).
The spot where Sam was now sliding down was about 10-15 feet away from an area with a metal drainage pipe at the landing. We told Sam to be sure and stay in the safe spot so he wouldn't accidentally slide and land in the dangerous spot. Sam was getting really confident with his newfound sledding skills and was so excited that he forgot our warning. Devin was a few feet away when Sam yelled, "Here I go!" I heard Devin yell, "SAM STOP!!!"
When I looked up to see what was happening, I immediately broke into screaming. I saw Sam sliding on his stomach, head-first, down the steep hill, speeding toward the metal drainage pipe and bed of sharp rocks. Devin slid down after him and was able to grab his leg, but Sam was going so fast that Devin couldn't keep hold of him.
Devin and I both agree that time stood still at this moment. I was watching Sam's unprotected head rushing toward metal and concrete. I thought of the baby inside me, and how I was about to bring one child into the world and was at the same time losing another. I knew that Sam was going to die and that the veil between heaven and earth was open. I thought of how Sam's 3 little sisters would have to grow up without him.
I watched Sam's head, ribs, and legs crash into the bed of large rocks, and I saw his eyes close. I ran to him as fast as I could without slipping on the snow. Devin and got to him at about the same time.
Sam opened his eyes and Devin scooped him up. He was alive.

Devin took Sam up to the car as quickly as he could, while I shakily led the girls up the hill. I could feel the stares of the other family that was there. They also decided it was a good time to call it a day.
At the top of the hill I could hear Devin scolding Sam and Sam crying. Later Devin told me Sam was apologizing for going in the wrong spot. They said a prayer together thanking Heavenly Father for saving Sam's life.
Sam's only injuries were on his cheek. His face landed in such a way that the chubby part of his face took the brunt of the impact.

I have heard stories of children dying while sledding. I don't know why Heavenly Father chose to preserve my son and not others'. I was at the bottom of that hill and I watched as Sam's 6-year-old body raced toward disaster. I believe that God sent angels to protect Sam and guide his body to land safely.
The drive home was a quiet one. Sam was noticeably and understandably shaken. I told him that Heavenly Father has big plans for him, and that He wasn't ready for him to die yet.
I also know that if things had ended differently, it would have been the worst thing to ever happen to me and Devin in our entire lives. But I also know, that eventually, we would have been alright. I know that is easy to say since things didn't end tragically for us, but I mean it. I know that if Sam had died that day, that I would see him again. That because of my Savior, who conquered the grave, Sam would live again. I also know that because of the Holy Temple, I have an eternal family. I know we would eventually be alright and together again.
I heard a missionary say a few years ago, that there are no permanent unhappy endings when Jesus Christ is your savior. No matter what may happen, or no matter what tragedies may strike, things will eventually be ok in the end.
Sam, Devin and I will never forget the day that almost ended so badly. Our hearts are filled with gratitude and I know the experience changed us for the better. I hope that Sam can always remember that miracles do happen, and that Heavenly Father has big plans for him.

Sam's journal entry later that night

Things Are Getting Worse

A few weeks ago I read this report from the FBI that reported that mass shootings in the US have gone up 40% in the last 13 years. I've definitely noticed and felt a difference in the world around me. Tragedies are becoming more and more commonplace and I hate it.

Today as I returned from the grocery store with Taylor, I saw helicopters circling our neighborhood. When I pulled into the driveway I noticed a motorcycle cop driving down our street. The helicopters continued to fly over, and neighbors started coming out of their homes to see what was going on. It turns out that yet another murder-suicide tragedy has happened, this time 1/4 mile from where Devin and I are raising our 3 little kids.

This summer there was a murder-suicide a few houses down from where our good friends live, just 3 miles south of us. A few weeks before that there was a murder-suicide involving 2 teenagers a few miles east of us. These types of things are happening in good areas, bad areas, everywhere.

We have been told in the scriptures that things are going to get bad. I know that these are the "winding up" scenes and that our Savior will be returning soon. I know that these things are happening for a reason, but it is still unsettling to be around it.

I also know that your "home can be a heaven on earth" even when turmoil is happening on either side. I know that God has not left us alone.

I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was restored to the earth at this time for a specific purpose: to prepare for the return of the Savior.

In a few weeks we will have a temple opening a few miles from our home. Wherever a temple is built on the earth, it pushes back darkness. I cannot wait to feel the peace inside our new temple.

Our church is worth checking out. It is the same church Jesus formed when he was on the earth 2,000 years ago. It has been restored just in time. I invite you to come to the Phoenix temple open house with me in the next few weeks. I am not asking you to become Mormon here. I am inviting you to come into the house of God to feel of his spirit, and of his peace. Because in this crazy world, only our Heavenly Father can bring us true peace.

Watch this.

Congratulations and Reunions

My Maw-Maw and Paw-Paw's 11th great-grandchild was born today. Grayson was scheduled to be born on Maw-Maw's birthday. Although she didn't get to meet him in this life, because of Him I know that we will all be reunited with her again someday.

Maw-Maw with baby Mollie back in 2011

Wannabe Vegan

I have been fired up about nutrition since I started the Maker's Diet (basically just whole foods, nothing processed) back in 2009. After recently seeing Netflix films like "Vegucated," and "Forks Over Knives," I am starting to steer away from meat and dairy also. The Word of Wisdom does tell us to only eat meat when we have to, and that we should mostly just stick to grains and fruits and vegetables. Anyhoo, today the kids and I decorated dairy-free, sugar-free Valetine's cookies. They weren't beautiful, but the kids actually liked them! They tasted like chocolate Pop Tarts(aka Heaven) to me.

Cookies:
1 and 1/2 cups soaked, chopped dates
1 and 1/4 whole wheat flour
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 C unsweetened cocoa powder
One huge swig of honey

Mix together dry ingredients and set aside. Blend the dates, cocoa powder, and honey together in blender until smooth. Add the blended mixture and the dry mixture together to create your cookie dough. We rolled the dough out and used cookie cutters. Bake cookies for 9 minutes at 350 degrees.


Frosting:
1 C raisins
1/2 C chopped walnuts
2 TBSP cocoa powder
Another huge swig of honey
1/4 C Almond milk

Blend together all ingredients until smooth. Spread onto cooled cookies and enjoy the wonderful taste of Pop Tarts minus carcinogens :)

Taylor is 1

My special Tay is one. Here is her story.

Heber Cabin Trip 2013

We just got back from the cabin yesterday and I couldn't wait to put the video together.

Harrison

Since Harrison has lived out-of-state for most of his short life, I had so much fun working on his video because I got to spend lots and lots of time with him. What a sweet little guy he is.

The Good and the Bad

Here is what we are up to lately.

Devin
Devin ran his first marathon in February. He is a regular athlete now and can bust out 8 mile runs like nobody's business. Speaking of nobody's business, ours is still pretty slow. Barry Fresh is still relatively alive and kicking, although Devin does not have as many carpet jobs as he would like. He has been working for his Dad at good old GB Contracting to fill in the gaps in his time and our income. We are grateful for every hour of work that he has. We know that our Heavenly Father is providing for us.

Me
I am keeping busy with the kids as usual. I am trying to find the balance between taking care of the kids, the house, and myself. I feel like I am cleaning all day long and still have the messiest house on the street. I know this is typical of my stage in life. I am trying to focus on spending quality time with my kids and being in the moment. I am not good at this but I am trying. My goal is to make each day more prayerful so that HF can guide my hours and help me to make each one as meaningful as possible.

Sam

Sam is maturing every day. He is in the "why?" phase and asks questions repeatedly. A popular one lately is, "Mommy, what because tornadoes have so much power?" He is doing so well with his violence issues and usually only hits Mollie after she has hit him first (this is quite an improvement). He now does chores and it is my least favorite task of the day to do them with him. It takes a lot of motivation to get him going. I need motivation to do chores myself, so it really is not fun. He is a social boy and is constantly making new friends at the park. He is sweet and affectionate. He loves rules and routine.

Mollie

Mollie is our passionate girl. She cries on average 10 times per day. We are trying to figure out how to do this girl thing. You'd think I would know since I am one, but I think I was more of a grumpy girl growing up than an emotional one. Mollie is funny. She has killer dance moves. She has an attitude. She is compassionate and nurturing. She loves to be a helper and gets very upset (queue the crying episode) if we do a job that is usually hers (for example opening Taylor's door when it is time to get her up from a nap). She still screams every Sunday when we drop her off at nursery, but then when we pick her up at the end she says, "Nursery fun!!!"

Taylor

I am in the honeymoon phase with Taylor. She is so so sweet and so so happy. Her little eyes disappear when she smiles (which is all the time). She is chubby and sturdy. She is 8 months old now, crawling, and has her 2 bottom teeth. She and Devin have now bonded. I asked him today how he can possibly not want any more kids after having one as sweet as she is?? She is still constantly puking (even her baby food. Our carpet is lots of different colors now). She naps terribly (Usually two 45 minute naps) but goes to bed for the night at 5 p.m. until about 7 the next morning (waking up once or twice to eat). She is pure sugar.


-other news-
Devin's sweet Grandma Barry passed away last month. For the first few years of our marriage I wasn't aware that you only called her "Grandma Barry" when she wasn't around, and that when you were actually in her presence you just called her "Grandma." One thing I will always remember from our interactions is from when I was pregnant with Mollie. I told her of my concern that I could never love a second child as much as I loved Sam. Grandma said that she felt the same way when she was pregnant with her second, and that I shouldn't worry. "Your heart just grows," she said. It wasn't until after I had bonded with Mollie and now Taylor that I understand what she meant.

12 Days of Christmas

Someone is doing "The 12 Days of Christmas" for our family. It is day 5 and we are anxiously awaiting the knock on the door.

Yesterday, our secret Santas dropped off a Christmas tree gingerbread kit. Tonight we made it for family night. The kids were the most quiet they have been in months as they were sampling the frosting while Devin and I decorated the tree. Devin was quite bossy when it came to the application of the frosting. I never knew he wanted to be an interior designer. When I told him he was being too controlling, Devin responded with, "What would Greg King think?" For those of you that know my dad you will find that joke funny.

Thank you to our secret Santas for making our Christmas extra jolly!